Say no to thoughts of could have, should have, would have: How to cope with grief, regret

Recently, I reconnected with Nirupa, an old friend from school. I hadn’t seen her in years, but as soon as we met, it felt like no time had passed at all. Nirupa had always been someone who stood out for her courage, ambition and determination. I found out that over the years, she had worked hard and built a successful career as a senior manager at a renowned advertising firm, all before she was even in her mid-thirties. However, what I learnt after this, shocked me. Nirupa had recently quit her job and wished she had done it sooner.

Speaking with a deep sense of regret in her voice, she told me how she wished she had spent more time with her ailing mother. Not only had she missed most of the treatment her mother got, she had also missed shifting and staying with her way at a time she was really needed. Caught up in the demands of work and being almost absent in the last year of her mother’s life, Nirupa’s grief and sense of regret had overwhelmed her to the point where she had to quit her job to cope with it.

For many of us, regret becomes a part of grief like it has for Nirupa. When we lose a beloved person or pet, we tend to replay moments in our minds, wishing we had done things differently. However, this self-blame makes the healing process even harder.

National Grief Awareness Week is observed from December 2nd to December 8th and is dedicated to raising awareness about the impact of grief and loss on individuals. The purpose of this week is to provide support for those who are grieving, to reduce the stigma around discussing grief and to encourage conversations about the challenges that come with losing a loved one.

On this day, join us as we explore how to make peace with grief and regret of losing someone dear.

Acknowledge and accept

The first step in coping with grief and regret is to accept that it has happened. When we lose someone we love, it can be hard to come to terms with the reality of the loss. We are often filled with regret, wondering if there was something we could have done differently. And these thoughts tend to replay in our minds. This can be a dangerous space to linger in for too long.

It is important to know that it’s very normal to feel guilty after losing someone we love and to imagine that we could have done more for them. Acknowledging these tough feelings is a step towards healing. Know that it’s okay to feel sad and regretful, but show yourself compassion during these difficult moments. Embrace your vulnerable side.

Understand that we are human

We all feel guilty about certain things we’ve done in our past and  wish we could change them. But the weight of losing someone close to us along with a sense of regret can be very traumatic for a being. One may keep thinking, “If only I had done more, if only I had been there when they needed me.” But one must pause to reflect and accept one’s frailty in being human. One must understand that none of us are perfect so while we may wish we had done more, the reality is we cannot always predict what will happen and how much action is enough.

One must remind oneself that they did their best with the knowledge they had. This can help cope with any feelings of self-blame.