Be authentic with The Courage to Be Disliked by I Kishimi and F Koga

Many of us constantly seek approval and acceptance in life. And it is this seeking of validation that often shapes our life choices and actions. This need to be liked by others all the time can do some damage though — it can push us to overcommit ourselves, even when it means ignoring our own needs. For example, we might agree to take on extra work when we’re already overwhelmed, just to avoid upsetting a colleague. Similarly, we may agree to do a favour for a neighbour, like picking up a parcel, even when we’re busy, simply to keep the peace going. Situations like these show us that trying to please everyone can lead to overlooking our own wellbeing and desires.

In The Courage to Be Disliked: How to Free Yourself, Change Your Life and Achieve Real Happiness, authors Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga explain that true happiness comes from living authentically and not being overly concerned with what others think. Kishimi, a Japanese psychiatric counsellor and academic, and Koga, an award-winning author, explain in their book the art of living a more fulfilling life. According to them, by learning to say no and making decisions based on what is best for us, we can achieve way more.

This bestselling book that was translated into English due to its popularity helps us understand that we can find freedom and joy by being true to who we are, without the constant need for approval. Join us as we explore some lessons we can learn from this wonderful read.

Embracing authenticity

Sometimes, our daily lives are filled with small but crucial moments where we have to balance our own plans with others’ requests. For example, you might be excited to watch a new show, but your sibling might ask you to help them out with their work. Or perhaps, you’re all set to go out with your friends, and a neighbour asks you to look after their young child instead, because they need to rush somewhere. These situations can pull you away from what you actually want to do, thus leaving you feeling frustrated. The Courage to Be Disliked encourages you to set boundaries and make decisions based on what’s best for you, rather than attempting to please everyone around you.

Letting go of fear

Fear often makes our decisions for us. We worry about being ridiculed, disappointing others or not meeting expectations. And this fear of disapproval tends to control all our actions, big or small. It also makes us avoid taking risks, thus limiting our potential. The authors of The Courage to Be Disliked urges its readers to let go of these fears. Kishimi and Koga say that many people feel stuck because they think their past dictates their present and future—that they have no control over what happens to them. To counter this thought, they use Adlerian psychology, named after the Austrian psychologist Alfred Adler, to show that people don’t need to live their lives based on fear. The book explains that by accepting that it’s impossible to please everyone, people can start to overcome this inherent fear and make decisions that lead to a definitely happier life.

Finding happiness, fulfilment

On most days, we rely on external factors for our quota of happiness. For example, we feel happy if someone gives us a compliment or if our day goes smoothly without any work urgency or mistake. The opposite is also true. Like, if someone is rude or if things don’t go as planned, we tend to feel upset. However, this way of thinking makes our happiness dependent on things we can’t control.

The Courage to Be Disliked teaches that true happiness comes from within. Instead of letting others or external factors determine our happiness, we should focus on ourselves and go about our days with confidence. The authors ask us not to ‘willingly create unhappiness’ and start living authentically instead.

Cultivating inner strength

We often doubt our own choices and seek validation from others. For instance, if we want to pursue a career in fashion, we start by asking friends, family or colleagues for their opinion, hoping they will approve or offer reassurance. This need for approval can make it hard to trust our own gut instinct in the long run. The Courage to Be Disliked encourages us to develop confidence in our own choices and values, no matter what others think or vote for. It urges us to trust ourselves strongly enough to make decisions that align with our beliefs, even if they don’t match with what others expect. By steadily cultivating inner strength in this manner, we can remain true to ourselves and enjoy a life that’s original and interesting.

Building healthier relationships

Many people think that happiness comes from personal success and achievements, but this book teaches us that real joy often comes from contributing to others’ happiness and by being a part of community. When we focus on helping others in our community, we create a sense of purpose and connection. Happiness in this book is defined by being of use to others.

In fact, the authors of this bestselling self-help book explain, how prioritising the needs of others and contributing in small ways, like volunteering in a NGO or supporting a friend, can build a sense of belonging—which not only brings us joy but also strengthens our relationships with those who matter.

The Courage to Be Disliked offers a transformative perspective on finding freedom and happiness. It’s an interesting book that asks us to do something offbeat and reap its benefits. Embracing the principles of this book can indeed help build a life that reflects our true self.