“If you don’t take control over your time and your life, other people will gobble it up. If you don’t prioritise yourself, you constantly start falling lower and lower on your list,” said the former US first lady Michelle Obama once. These words ring true for most of us, especially women. Too often, we get caught in the trap of people-pleasing, where we focus more on making others happy than on fulfilling our own needs. And this has always turned out to be harmful for our overall wellbeing. Ask celebrities like Jennifer Larence, Ananya Pandey or Bella Hadid, who have not just admitted to having this habit but are also known to have consciously worked towards undoing and unlearning it with time and effort.
People-pleasing or the habit of constantly seeking approval from others and avoiding conflict with them, can easily take a toll on one’s mental health. As Debbie Sorensen, a Harvard-trained clinical psychologist, points out, people-pleasers are particularly vulnerable to burnout at work. This is because their constant efforts to meet others’ expectations can lead to stress and exhaustion. By neglecting their own needs and preferences in favour of others, they risk losing touch with their true selves. This in turn, has negative consequences on their health and happiness.
Truly, the importance of prioritising our own needs and desires cannot be stressed upon hard enough. Embracing authenticity and setting boundaries is important for reclaiming our voice and nurturing our wellbeing. so, join us as we explore how to stop or unlearn people pleasing and discover our real self.
The first step in overcoming the poor habit of people-pleasing is to recognise if you’re engaging in it. Many of us tend to do it without even realising it. For example, you might have plans to relax over the weekend, but when a friend suddenly asks to meet up, you agree even though you’re exhausted from a long week. You say yes to avoid disappointing them, even though it means sacrificing your own resting over that particular weekend.
People-pleasers often agree to things out of fear of conflict or rejection. To begin addressing this behaviour, pay close attention to your reactions in these situations and identify when you’re compromising your own needs for the sake of others. Keeping a journal can be very helpful. Learn to write down moments when you feel overwhelmed trying to make someone else happy. Reflecting on these later will help you understand your reasons and patterns better, things that are essential for making a positive change in this regard.
Many of us struggle because we find it hard to say no. Picture this: a colleague walks in and asks you to take on extra work because they need to leave early for personal reasons or a friend at college asks you to finish the last part of their assignment. Even though you’re already overwhelmed, you agree to help, leading to additional stress and frustration.
Establishing healthy boundaries is important for managing people-pleasing tendencies. Setting boundaries means being clear about what you are and aren’t willing to accept, both in your personal and professional life. It involves communicating your limits respectfully and sticking to them. When you set boundaries, you’re not only protecting your energy but also teaching others how to treat you. A big part of this unlearning process is also saying no when necessary because it helps build healthier relationships and reduces stress in the long run.
Common signs of people-pleasing include constantly saying yes to others, avoiding conflicts and feeling guilty when you put your own needs first.
Difficulty in saying no to others often arises from a fear of conflict and in many cases, from a fear of feeling rejected.
If you find it challenging to break free from people-pleasing despite your efforts, seeking support from a therapist can be very helpful.
Assertive communication helps by allowing you to express your thoughts, feelings and needs clearly and respectfully, without being passive or aggressive.
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