Say no to thoughts of could have, should have, would have: How to cope with grief, regret

Recently, I reconnected with Nirupa, an old friend from school. I hadn’t seen her in years, but as soon as we met, it felt like no time had passed at all. Nirupa had always been someone who stood out for her courage, ambition and determination. I found out that over the years, she had worked hard and built a successful career as a senior manager at a renowned advertising firm, all before she was even in her mid-thirties. However, what I learnt after this, shocked me. Nirupa had recently quit her job and wished she had done it sooner.

Speaking with a deep sense of regret in her voice, she told me how she wished she had spent more time with her ailing mother. Not only had she missed most of the treatment her mother got, she had also missed shifting and staying with her way at a time she was really needed. Caught up in the demands of work and being almost absent in the last year of her mother’s life, Nirupa’s grief and sense of regret had overwhelmed her to the point where she had to quit her job to cope with it.

For many of us, regret becomes a part of grief like it has for Nirupa. When we lose a beloved person or pet, we tend to replay moments in our minds, wishing we had done things differently. However, this self-blame makes the healing process even harder.

National Grief Awareness Week is observed from December 2nd to December 8th and is dedicated to raising awareness about the impact of grief and loss on individuals. The purpose of this week is to provide support for those who are grieving, to reduce the stigma around discussing grief and to encourage conversations about the challenges that come with losing a loved one.

On this day, join us as we explore how to make peace with grief and regret of losing someone dear.

Acknowledge and accept

The first step in coping with grief and regret is to accept that it has happened. When we lose someone we love, it can be hard to come to terms with the reality of the loss. We are often filled with regret, wondering if there was something we could have done differently. And these thoughts tend to replay in our minds. This can be a dangerous space to linger in for too long.

It is important to know that it’s very normal to feel guilty after losing someone we love and to imagine that we could have done more for them. Acknowledging these tough feelings is a step towards healing. Know that it’s okay to feel sad and regretful, but show yourself compassion during these difficult moments. Embrace your vulnerable side.

Understand that we are human

We all feel guilty about certain things we’ve done in our past and  wish we could change them. But the weight of losing someone close to us along with a sense of regret can be very traumatic for a being. One may keep thinking, “If only I had done more, if only I had been there when they needed me.” But one must pause to reflect and accept one’s frailty in being human. One must understand that none of us are perfect so while we may wish we had done more, the reality is we cannot always predict what will happen and how much action is enough.

One must remind oneself that they did their best with the knowledge they had. This can help cope with any feelings of self-blame.

Shift focus from regret to gratitude

While it’s natural to focus on what you wish you had done differently, one way to cope with regret is to shift your mindset towards gratitude. Instead of dwelling on missed opportunities, take a moment to reflect on the good moments you shared with your loved one. Remember the laughter, the love and joy you shared. This can help transform your grief into a celebration of the positive aspects of your relationship.

Gratitude helps you appreciate the time you had together, even if it wasn’t as much as you would have liked. When you learn to shift your attention to the positive, the burden of guilt starts to fade, slowly but surely enhancing your mental wellbeing in the process.

Share and lighten load

In both good times and bad, when we share our thoughts and feelings with a loved one, it helps us feel lighter. This simple act of sharing can be a crucial step in our journey of healing.

In fact, in times of grief and regret, finding healthy ways to express what we’re going through is essential. Since grief and regret can easily overwhelm us if kept inside too long and too often,  expressing our emotions is necessary to process and release what we’re feeling. Talking about our grief is not just comforting; it is an essential part of healing.

Write about tough feelings

Grief and regret often go hand in hand, especially when someone close to us passes away. We replay moments in our minds, wondering if we could have changed the outcome, even though we know in our subconscious mind that we couldn’t have. Writing about these difficult feelings can be an effective way to process such pain.

Putting words down on a paper allows us to express emotions that feel too heavy to share. Writing also allows us to be as expressive as we want to be. It lets our mind wander to places we may have suppressed. This exercise may not necessarily erase the grief or regret, but it can put us on a path towards healing, making a lot of our journey clearer to us.

Seek support, professional help

It is understandable that sometimes, no matter what we do, we may still not be able to get over the guilt and regret that comes with losing a beloved person or pet. But we don’t have to go through such deep grief alone—seeking support, whether from friends, family or professional counselors can help cope with feelings of regret. A therapist can help us get to the cause of our pain and regret and support us in finding healthier ways and tools to cope.

Making peace with grief and regret is a long process, but it is possible. Regret is a part of grief, but it doesn’t have to define our whole experience. In time, it is possible to embrace the good memories and make peace with the past.